Over on instagram, my community recently had a really interesting chat about yelling during fights.

Not yelling *at* your partner - I think for the most part we are in agreement that if possible, let's not scream at each other in anger.

But what about yelling for emphasis? What about yelling because you're feeling strong emotions? What about people who speak loud when they have a point to make? What if yelling is part of your culture?

I heard from people on both sides of this equation.

Some of you are loud and want your partners to understand that yelling isn't you being a jerk, it's you being you. It's actually a form of vulnerability.

And some of you are not yellers, hate when your partner yells, and struggle to tolerate any amount of shoutiness.

The reality is, comfort with yelling is a difference just like the many other differences you and your partner navigate. It's a difference likely informed by your personal history, culture, and life experiences. It's a difference that can absolutely be managed healthily, with some thought.

A quick note:

Here I am talking about shouting within a safe relationship during otherwise safe fights. If shouting is a part of your escalation pattern that results in verbal, emotional, or physically abusive behaviors, you'll need to get support either via individual therapy or couple therapy (if both people are aware there is a problem and accept responsibility for their role).

If You're The Quiet One

First, ultimately you get to decide for yourself what sort of conflict behavior you can cope with. If yelling is an absolute no-go for you, you'll need to get clear with yourself on what exactly YOU will do when your partner starts raising their voice. Options might include:

• I'll say, "I'm not comfortable with the volume you're using, I'm going to take a break" and leave the room.
• I'll ask one time if they can lower their voice. If they don't, then I'll let them know I need to take a break from the conversation.
• Outside of conflict, I'll let my partner know that for me, yelling feels scary. I'll ask if we can work together to plan for how we'll manage moments when they feel an urge to shout, and I feel uncomfortable.

When you're communicating your boundaries, avoid shaming your partner for being loud. Focus on your own experience rather than their behavior. "I feel unsafe around shouting, even when I know intellectually that I am physically safe" works a lot better than "Of course I feel scared when you're out of control and raging" (again, with the caveat that we are talking about yelling, not name-calling or other verbal or physical attacks). Ground yourself in the fact that you have the right to set your boundaries without needing to vilify your partner.

If You're The Shouty One

For people who get loud during conflict, it's important to figure out why. What happens for you when you get loud? What is the purpose of shouting?

Common purposes might include: emotional release, demanding your partner's full attention, reenacting past trauma where you couldn't safely be loud, feeling like yourself.

It's important to be honest with yourself - is there a more sinister side to your yelling? Is there a part of you that wants to scare your partner, just a little? To make them hear you, even if they don't want to? To get in their face?

Face any shadowy desires you have during conflict so you can acknowledge them and also choose whether to let them lead you.

Once you know the purpose of your yelling, you can work with yourself (and your partner) on how to get that need met in a way that feels safe for everyone. Heads' up - these are not simple tasks, but they're worth it.

Examples:

• If shouting is an expression of vulnerability, develop other ways to show your deepest, strongest emotions without over-relying on volume to create intensity.
• If shouting is a trauma response...process that trauma and develop the skills you never learned to stand up for yourself AND speak respectfully.
• If shouting is cultural, lean into your expressiveness in lower stakes conversations. Your partner might be fine with you being loud if you're not actually fighting with them, particularly if you can approach the topic with willingness to compromise.

For both the shouters and the quiets, the most important takeaway here is to lean a curious, non-shaming stance.

It's not bad or wrong that one person gets loud. It's not unacceptable or weak that one person finds loud fighting intolerable. The more you can look at this difference with warmth and mutual commitment to finding a solution, the closer you are to the type of conflict you both feel proud of.

🫶🏻

Dr. Marina

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