I recently polled my audience about what psychological jargon you argue with your partner about the most. The most common answer - gaslighting or its more academic cousin DARVO. So let's dig in.

At this point, I don't think I need to explain what gaslighting is - it seems to have pervaded the cultural discourse.

Less pervasive in mainstream culture (but rising!) is the scientific concept of DARVO, pioneered by Jennifer Freyd in 1997 (who, fun fact, was my fabulous mentor and advisor while getting my PhD). DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender and is a pattern demonstrated by perpetrators of abuse (in particular sexual abuse) when they are held accountable by their victims.

(Another fun fact, my doctoral dissertation was on DARVO, so it's safe to say this is a topic I have contemplated deeply and know quite a bit about).

When a victim is receiving DARVO from their perpetrator (or someone aligned with their perpetrator), it might sound something like:

Victim: "You caused me harm. You abused me. I know this happened."

Perpetrator: "What are you talking about? That didn't happen, or it didn't happen the way you say it did [deny]. I didn't harm you, you're lying. You're crazy [attack]. You're hurting me by accusing of this. You're going to ruin my reputation [reverse victim and offender]."

Receiving DARVO is destabilizing for a victim. It can lead to self-doubt and self-blame. It can make it seem impossible for them to speak out about what is happening to them. It is a part of a pattern of abuse.

In theory, gaslighting functions in a similar way but is more general and has not been the focus of scientific research.

I am talking about DARVO and gaslighting together here, because although DARVO is a more technical and specific concept, I'm seeing it used similarly in relationships (particularly high conflict relationships). If a couple knows the term DARVO, they tend to use that, and if they haven't yet heard of DARVO, they'll say gaslighting instead.

Ok, so now that we're all on the same page about DARVO and gaslighting, is your partner DARVO-ing you? Are they gaslighting you? And if so, what should you do about it?

First of all, if you are in a systematically abusive relationship, it is not only possible but likely that your partner will respond to accusations of abuse with DARVO. By systematically abusive, I mean that abusive behaviors are not fleeting or mutual in escalated conflict. They are an overall pattern that limits your ability to speak, act, and be free in the relationship.

High conflict relationships often contain dynamics of abuse, but they do not include coercive control, one of the hallmarks of a systematically abusive relationship.

In non-abusive relationships, there is a high degree of nuance, perspective, and mutuality. The "facts" of a relationship are not always perfectly clear. Your perspectives on the "facts" will likely differ. And the root cause of unpleasant interactions is almost always a dynamic between two people rather than one person's pathology or malice.

Does this mean your partner can say the earth is flat, and you should agree? Nope. But exactly what was said and in what tone in historical conversations - not black and white.

I am seeing an increasing number of couples adopt the language of gaslighting and DARVO to explain normal friction in relationships. And as a couples therapist and literal DARVO researcher...I don't recommend it, for at least three reasons.

1. Very often, what you're labeling as gaslighting or DARVO is something else entirely. It is very unpleasant for your partner to respond to your hurt or anger with a list of why they weren't in the wrong. Their response is a relationship problem that needs to be addressed. But it isn't DARVO. It's defensiveness, invalidation, emotional reactivity, shame, or just plain bad communication.
2. Relational rupture is not the same thing as wrongdoing. DARVO theory articulates a perpetrator's response when accused of wrongdoing. Now do people sometimes demonstrate a DARVO-type pattern in response to other types of accusations? Definitely. But using language designed for situations of abuse for everyday relational dynamics is inaccurate, unnecessarily provocative, and can degrade the meaning of the words.
3. It just doesn't work. I have yet to see it be effective for a someone to tell their partner, "you're gaslighting me." Even (actually, especially) if they ARE gaslighting you, this sort of accusation tends to escalate conflict - which, if your relationship is high conflict, is not what you need. If your relationship IS abusive, it may be unsafe. So either way, I don't see it as a particularly effective strategy.

What To Do Instead

If you believe your relationship is pervasively abusive and your partner is using DARVO as a tactic of perpetration, trying to address this directly with them is complex and potentially dangerous. The best option is to get support elsewhere for ending the relationship.

If your relationship is messy, high conflict, sometimes destructive but NOT pervasively abusive, here's how to think about responding when your partner denies doing something that hurt you or denies that something happened when you know it did.

• First, identify if the discrepancy in perspective actually matters. Are you distressed because what they're saying has serious implications, or because you don't like the feeling that you left an interaction with completely different views? Practice letting go of discrepancies that truly don't matter.
• Stay in the present. Rather than debating exactly what happened in the past, articulate what matters now. Saying, "I absolutely told you that I need your help this afternoon. Stop gaslighting me" is unlikely to move the situation forward. Instead try, "So, what I'm hoping you can hear now is that I do need your help this afternoon. What should we do about this situation?"
• Check in with why you want to say "you gaslit me." Is it important to you to have external validation for having been wronged? If so, you probably need to share more emotions rather than making accusations. Articulate some of your feelings in the situation without pointing fingers.

One last thing!

Like I mentioned last week, I'm currently creating a workbook (!!) for y’all that breaks down the perpetual communication traps I see high conflict couples fall into.

I've completed one round of beta reading (thank you SO much to my first readers).

I will plan to do at least one more round, so you still have the opportunity to read an early draft for free and offer feedback to make it better for this community.

If you're in a high conflict or hard relationship currently and can provide feedback within 1 week, shoot me an email!

🫶🏻

Dr. Marina

Are your fights messy and destructive? I’ve got you.

Snag my Take A Break Guide for safer conflict today.