I love you, and you piss me off.

The other day, my husband was eating a mango in the kitchen. He started telling me, completely earnestly, that mangos are great. Like, did you know that mangos taste so good? Watching him discover that mangos are delicious flooded me with full, deep love for him. Winded me with awe. I could have renewed our wedding vows right there in the kitchen while our kids made a mess on the floor.

About seven minutes later, he irritated me to my bones with a simple question that contained in one sentence the roots of every conflict we've ever had. That warm buzz of romance was muffled as I rode through prickly, tense annoyance and a conveyer belt of harsh, blaming thoughts.

And folks, that’s love for you. Healthy, functional, committed love.

It is normal and not problematic to have both strong positive and negative emotions about your partner. Regularly. Even in the same conversation.

But I don’t think most of us receive adequate tools to manage this emotional reality. When the anger rides in, you feel duped. "I was just thinking how much I loved him a minute ago, and now he does this."

But ultimately, an integrated, mature stance in relationships requires capacity to hold onto the multiple, contradicting emotions you have about your partner, not just day to day, but in one moment. How to witness the wildfire next to the waterfall, really seeing them both.

So back to my husband and me in the kitchen.

When irritation flooded my senses, it is absolutely true that I was annoyed. And. It was also true that all that love I felt, just a few minutes earlier, was still there. It didn’t evaporate into the air. When I paused to listen, I could hear it.

Although my beef the other day was pretty trivial, the both/and of relationships is just as true when the stakes are high. Love coexists with all your hurt and anger. They don’t cancel each other out, they live together.

When I'm feeling multiple strong emotions at once, I like to picture them as an orchestra or a band. There's my fury, thump thump, I'm mad I'm mad. There's gentle, silky adoration, like piano. There's some horn coming through, it's a bit of exasperated humor at my own human mind doing what it does. This is what it's like to love someone.

Okay...but how do I actually build this skill?

1. So you're pissed. Breathe and see if you can tune into any other emotions. What else is there?
2. Play with contrast. Hmm, I felt really warm and lovey an hour ago, and now I feel really annoyed. How fascinating. Can I try to turn up the volume so I can actually feel them both at once?
3. Make yourself an "I love you list." In a calm, connected moment, write down different qualities of your partner's that you love and cherish. When you feel fiery anger churning, pull out your list, and see if you can cultivate space for the warm feelings to sidle in beside your anger.

🫶🏻

Dr. Marina