A recent viral instagram post lead to a dialogue around whether stonewalling is abuse. Here's my thoughts. Last week I posted a few sample texts you can send your partner if they are stonewalling you. Stonewalling is one of the Gottman's "Four Horsemen" - harmful relationship behaviors that predict divorce. Stonewalling happens during conflict when one partner becomes so physiologically "flooded" (feeling intense emotions they don't have the tools to cope with) that they shut down....
11 months ago • 4 min read
Over on instagram, my community recently had a really interesting chat about yelling during fights. Not yelling *at* your partner - I think for the most part we are in agreement that if possible, let's not scream at each other in anger. But what about yelling for emphasis? What about yelling because you're feeling strong emotions? What about people who speak loud when they have a point to make? What if yelling is part of your culture? I heard from people on both sides of this equation. Some...
11 months ago • 3 min read
A few days before Mother's Day, I asked my husband to watch a new romantic comedy with me. I framed the activity loosely as Mother's Day related - "Hey, it's almost Mother's Day, will you watch this with me?" Although he's not against rom coms, he has a pretty strong preference for those made in the 1990s over present day (Can't Hardly Wait and Clueless would have inspired a peppier response from him). About 10 minutes in, he had many complaints. He was not buying the chemistry, he proclaimed...
11 months ago • 3 min read
I recently posted about the hoax of incompatibility, and it went a bit viral. Honestly, I was surprised. The idea that your partner cannot reasonably be everything to you and meet every need is not revolutionary (see Esther Perel for modern discourse on this and David Schnarch for an earlier take). "I will love you if you are exactly like me and meet my needs in the way that I prescribe or else I will deem you emotionally immature" is not a viable proposition for long term committed love....
12 months ago • 2 min read
I love you, and you piss me off. The other day, my husband was eating a mango in the kitchen. He started telling me, completely earnestly, that mangos are great. Like, did you know that mangos taste so good? Watching him discover that mangos are delicious flooded me with full, deep love for him. Winded me with awe. I could have renewed our wedding vows right there in the kitchen while our kids made a mess on the floor. About seven minutes later, he irritated me to my bones with a simple...
about 1 year ago • 2 min read
Welcome To The Valentine's Day Relationship Vitamin Boost! 💟 As a reminder, this is a fun, free challenge to infuse your relationship with a little extra nutrition. (If you're not in the market for a relationship boost right now, I hear you. Just click here to opt out 🫶🏻) Here's what to expect this week: ✨4 simple, actionable prompts to try with your partner right away (just enough to really give your relationship a little extra juice without taking on too much). ✨Each prompt will include the...
about 1 year ago • 3 min read
Could Your Relationship Use A Vitamin? ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜 Want a great Valentine's Day this year? Filled with warmth, sensuality, and connection? ⭐️To have a great Valentine's Day, you need to recharge your relationship ahead of time⭐️ I've got your back - I made you a fun, free challenge to boost your love. The Relationship Vitamin is landing on February 7th - coming right to you! What You'll Get 💕4 guided activities, spread over one week, for you and your partner to complete 🧠 Science-based prompts...
about 1 year ago • 1 min read
What makes a relationship high conflict? If you're reading this, you've probably found yourself wondering just this question. Is your relationship high conflict? Is it high conflict enough to get help? Can a therapist even help us? I'm a psychologist who specializes in high conflict couples therapy. For the couples I support, high conflict is usually about a combination of three things: How often you fight. High conflict couples usually feel like their arguments happen often. Exactly how...
over 1 year ago • 2 min read
Calm conflict ahead... When your relationship is stuck in a cycle of fight after toxic fight, it's hard to imagine expressing hurt, articulating concerns, and resolving disagreements without exhausting, messy arguments. But not only can conflict be healthy, it can actually be a source of deep connection. The kind of connection that sustains your relationship. Fighting can make your relationship stronger. The way you fight matters. The tools you have for conflict determine whether you can move...
over 1 year ago • 1 min read